I’ll preface this blog post by admitting that I am about to go on a self-loathing rant.
Feeling lost seems to be more and more normal for me lately. Overthinking is my downfall. The more I overthink my training and my nutrition the more difficult it gets to maintain any semblance of normalcy.
The last week or so I’ve struggled to get myself out the door for my runs. The other day I procrastinated for 2 hours and today, I procrastinated for ten. TEN hours. I did everything in my power to avoid my run today, including a nap. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.
This weekend has been less than stellar. I’m on an incredibly short fuse. I’m torn on a lot of decisions.
Why is it that training for a half marathon or a sprint triathlon is infinitely easier than any other distance? Once I break the 13.1 mile benchmark, why do I end up mentally paralyzed before each long run? I’m trying to get comfortable getting out the door for a 15-mile run and I procrastinate so long that it begins raining. The rain then forces me to run on the treadmill (a.k.a. dreadmill) and of course, it’s harder and much more boring at the gym than it is on the road.
This weekend was supposed to be my victory weekend in Lake Havasu. I was supposed to cross the 70.3 finish line and instead, I spent it moping around and being angry/irritated at everything. I also lost my cool at Shant yesterday during a normal squabble but took it out on the steering wheel of my car and now my wrist and palm is incredibly sore. I feel ashamed for the way I acted. I’m really sorry and I hope that he knows that.
I’m angry at myself in so many ways. I can’t stop stress eating. I can’t seem to get my long runs in without putting up an internal fight. I can’t seem to commit my schedule to IM training. I can’t seem to commit to finishing any of my personal trainer certification goals (which I re-fired up again this week).
At the end of the day, I think I’m just really impatient with myself. “It’s all about the journey and not the destination.” Blerg! Sometimes I just want to fast-forward it all!
I mean, can it really be that bad that I can run a half-marathon or a sprint triathlon comfortably? There are plenty of people who would love to be able to do what I do. My mind constantly wants to move on to the “bigger, better thing.”
What I really need is a coach and a dietician (or nutritionist) to help me put together a feasible plan and to keep me on track. I feel lost trying to track every morsel I eat, especially since 1) I stress-eat, and 2) I eat out a lot. I feel lost trying to navigate the plethora of training plans available for 140.6. I feel lost trying to study for my personal trainer certification on my own. I wish I could make friends with someone who was exactly like me, someone who knows exactly what I am going through. You know, someone that can sympathize with a twinge here, a patella out of tracking there, a knot in my hamstrings, some pain in my quads. Someone that understands the pressure I’m under (both self-imposed and metrics-imposed) at work. Someone that truly understands my levels of unhappiness about certain things in my life that I haven’t or can’t quite get over. Someone that knows what it’s like to burn with anger on the inside about something in their past that they can’t help.
Or maybe I don’t really need any of that. Maybe what I need to do is let go to my attachment to these distances. The attachment to the distance, I think, is what causes me the most grief. Numbers. It all comes down to numbers. 15 mile runs, 140.6 mile triathlon, 26.2 marathons, 50K ultramarathons. All of these lofty numeric goals. All of these lofty numeric goals seem so far out of reach on days where I struggle to even pound out a 3 mile run. These numbers seem even more far out of reach when I can’t get out for a 15-mile run. The more I know about these numbers the farther they slip away.
Tomorrow morning I’m going to try to get up early for a run around the lake. 6-mile runs help me start the week off on the right foot.
It’ll probably rain tomorrow morning too, which should be fun.