I came across a saying the other week: “What you seek is seeking you.”
There was a certain peace and comfort that I found in that phrase. For as long as I remember, I’ve been looking and seeking for a lot: I’ve been looking for a life of accomplishment, things worthy of my pursuit, and people worthy of my time. I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve actualized my penchant for difficulty. I seem to be drawn to the most difficult path. You could even argue that the difficult path may be the most efficient path in developing character, persistence, determination, and the like.
What you seek is seeking you. What is it that you seek?
I seek the proverbial road less traveled. I seek the hard way out. I seek the hardest way to make an easy living. I seek the pastimes that make me sweat. I seek the things, emotions, and titles that I have to earn. I seek the miles I have left to go. I seek a type of happiness that someone can’t buy or rationalize. It’s something you have to earn. It’s something you strive for and it comes with the process of loving, living, and compassion. I live to live — my method of living has been misunderstood by many people, those who have come before you and those who will inevitably come after. I seek love, but not in the way that you would normally think. I believe that love is a verb, not a noun. I seek the act of loving, which for me comes in the form of sharing my art and sharing my time. (I suppose you could count that sharing my art is a natural extension of sharing my time, since my craft takes time to manifest.) This blog itself is a manifestation of love. There’s nowhere else that I share a lot of these innermost thoughts. Sure, in my natural conversation with friends I may reference snippets here and there of my daily life but it is here that I really lay it all out. It is up to you, the other person at the end of this connection, to take that initiative to click through and dive in.
I also seek a lot of clarity. There’s more than enough knowledge, books, and the like that I will never have enough time to consume all of this information, but I make do with the time I have. That is, of course, the essence of life: the ability to make do with the short time we all have. There is a certain zen to it, an intersection of ability, time, desire. You could deduce that a lot of what I do — throwing myself into a giant question mark, a lot of unknowns, things supposedly beyond my reach — seems a bit silly, or maybe a giant waste of my time. However, if my life was spent pursuing what I loved, with the people I decided to share that love with, and understanding my implicit motivations, then I would argue that I lived a life worth living.
I’ve spent a lot of my off-season considering my many reasons for pursuing the iron distance. What does it mean to me? What is it that I seek from such a distance? For starters, I think I’ve been thinking about this race for so long that I want to do it already. I am pretty confident that with the right training, the right coaching, and the right prioritization that I can accomplish what I set out to do. It’s a matter of aligning the universe to conspire with me, right? The more I look at this year, the more the 140.6 seems like it’s out of reach. The stresses of work will certainly overcome my ability to train through mental fatigue, and if there is something I’ve learned from the last eighteen months at work is that mental fatigue certainly trumps physical fatigue. Thus, I’m thinking that this is a good year to work on a little bit of me time…the offseason plans of skiing have been progressing nicely. What about nailing a steady 10k, or riding my first criterion, or spending some more time in open water without the goals of a 140.6 looming over me? The race will always be there to burn some brain cells in the back of my mind…it will always fuel me, but then what? All of this is a lifelong endeavor. It doesn’t stop with one race, or goal. It is a way of life, a way of thinking and existing. It is the way in which I choose to construct my world.
So, if what I seek is seeking me…I say, bring on the lifetime of uncertainty, difficulty, discomfort, and insecurity.