A few days ago I was faced with the mentality of my former self.
I came across a moment where I was comparing myself to someone who I couldn’t compare to. It wasn’t an impossible, out of reach type of comparison. Okay, actually, yes it was. My immature self a few years ago would have made the mistake of feeling down on herself because she didn’t look a certain way, have a particular body type, didn’t dress like the other girls. I was always a little bit different, a tad more pragmatic than most, and a little (okay, vehemently) opinionated against all things fashionable and not quite functional. So, when I wanted to knock down my self esteem a few inches, all I did was turn to compare myself to someone who I couldn’t compare to. It was “apples to oranges” as some would say.
What helped me snap out of this girl funk?
After thinking about it for a few days, I came to the conclusion that I am essentially happy with the person I’ve become. It’s kind of like the butterfly effect: If anything about me were different, everything would be different.
In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions; where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. For example, the presence or absence of a butterfly flapping its wings could lead to creation or absence of a hurricane.
I wouldn’t have the same friends or the same interests. I wouldn’t be in the positions I am now. I might not have my own business. I wouldn’t be training for a triathlon or marathon. I wouldn’t be busy trying to convince other people to go running with me and digitally pestering them with my RunKeeper status updates. I wouldn’t be so flaky over the phone and that wouldn’t result in such glorious reunions when they do take place. The people that I trust with my life wouldn’t be there for me. Essentially, if I weren’t the person I am today, I would be a completely different person, living under different circumstances, with different friends and a different outlook on life.
I’d rather be me any day.